It’s often been said that being specific about what you want from a relationship can feel too business like, sound too harsh and looks a bit linear. Many people like to leave who they meet up to chance believing that when you feel you have the chemistry, you’ve find the right person for you.
In any form of business we need to be able to measure the results, how can you do that if you have no idea of what result you’re expecting? Many years ago I worked in the recruitment business. I was thrown in at the deep end working in areas which were beyond my understanding. I was recruiting for posts like hardware engineers, software engineers, technical authors and CAD designers. The trick I found was to get very specific and ask questions of the company who were recruiting. Some of the questions I’d ask might be:
• How will I know what experience is right
• What words do I have to look out for
• Give me a question to ask which will determine if the candidate knows what they’re talking about
As with any recruiter, I would then tease out more information about their company and the kind of work ethic they had, what kind of person would fit in best, what the team dynamics were, what the career opportunities available, why would someone want to work with them, etc etc.
When it comes to your own personal relationship, whether it’s a totally new one, or for an existing post holder, it’s important to know what role in your life you want to have filled. You also need to know for what reason you want it, and how you will know you have found the perfect partner.
I wonder if you’re willing to just pop on your recruiter’s hat and draw up a job specification for the role that you want to be filled? As with a professional job spec, you will find that you have to stop and question your motivations, your needs, wants and expectations. You will begin to recognise that there are values which you will want your other half to have which will at least complement your own. Before you go any further, take some time and ask yourself these questions –
• Who do you want to be in your relationship?
• What difference will having a partner make to you?
• What are you hoping to achieve with your partner?
• For what reason do you need a partner?
• What do you need to start or stop doing to be the partner you want to be?
When you have the answer to who you want to be, you might then find the person you want to join you is different to the one you at first imagined. Here’s a fun exercise to start you thinking slightly differently about your perfect partner.
Position to be filled …………………….
Nature of position – permanent/contract – long/short term contract; part time
Job Description –
Determine the reason someone would want to apply for this role
Describe the basic duties and responsibilities of the post holder
Explain how the post has arisen and its basic function
Include any projects which might be in the pipeline.
Include details of how the team works
Create a paragraph describing a typical day/week in the life of your relationship
What timescales, holidays, weekly meetings, social aspects, dress codes etc are expected or required
Is there an age/gender/height/weight stipulation – I’m assuming that as this is personal it’ll get past the recruitment laws 😉
Skills, qualifications and qualities –
Essential skills and qualities the candidate must possess
Desirable skills and qualities the candidate may possess
Dealbreaker skills and qualities the candidate must not possess
What kind of person is best suited to the role? What values will they have concerning money; sex; family; self development; career; anything else which is important to you.
Chemistry is important and it may well be that a chance encounter is the most successful. At the end of the day as long as you are aware of what it is you want from a relationship, and work with an open heart and mind, you have every chance of success.
Love is only love after all, and it flows both from you and to you when you let it. Ultimately love cares not a jot about a job spec, but it cares that you allow it to flow freely which is why it’s important to be discerning in your choice of partner.